“When I aborted my child, I aborted my motherhood, because I never had children [after that].” —Marie, 61 years old, had an abortion over 30 years ago
“I can’t go to baby showers. Even all these years later, the sight of baby clothes and toys reminds me of what could have been.” —Yolanda, 45 years old, had an abortion over ten years ago
The grief that follows the trauma of abortion can be a long, complex journey. There may be months, or even years, where you think you’re making progress. But then something happens to trigger your trauma, and the grief comes rushing back over you, seemingly as fresh and stinging as when the loss first occurred.
If you’re still experiencing the grief from abortions that occurred decades ago, it’s important to know that you’re not alone in this pain—and what you’re feeling is understandable. The grief that occurs after an abortion isn’t often talked about openly, leaving women to stuff down their feelings instead of working through them.
If you find yourself thinking often about your losses or “what-ifs,” or if you’re avoiding certain life situations because they remind you of the abortions, it’s essential to know that healing is possible. By confronting your grief and taking intentional steps to work through your feelings, you can get on a path toward healing from your abortions.
This article will highlight steps you can take to find healing. However, if you’re looking for a safe space to talk and receive in-person support, contact Choices today. We understand what you’re going through, and we offer free support services to help you move forward.
Name Your Grief
Since the grief that follows the loss of abortion isn’t often talked about, many women don’t understand that what they’re experiencing is grief.
While many people think of grief as sadness, it’s actually a complex response to loss that can cause physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms. For example, grief can cause the following physical symptoms:
- Fatigue
- Headaches
- Nausea
- Restlessness
- Upset stomach
- Heart palpitations
- Weak muscles or joint pain
- Tightness in your chest or throat
- Having reduced or increased appetite
- Trouble sleeping (insomnia) or sleeping too much
You may also experience emotional symptoms that can be attributed to grief such as:
- Apathy
- Anger
- Confusion
- Trouble thinking or making decisions
- Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of hope or direction
- Difficulty focusing on anything other than your loss
- Difficulty remembering or keeping track of your responsibilities
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, grief may be the root cause. The first step for working through your grief is to name it.
Naming your grief can be as simple as saying, “I experienced the loss of my baby due to abortion [number of years ago], and I’m grieving that loss still today.” Even if you identified your grief immediately after your loss decades ago, reminding yourself that this is what you’re experiencing today will help give you a starting place to move forward.
Journal About Your Grief
Once you’ve identified that you are still grieving your loss, journaling about what you’re going through will be instrumental in helping you understand your grief triggers (which are the things in your life that are making your grief worse) and ways to move forward.
As you journal, answering the following questions can help:
- In what ways am I still grieving this loss from my abortions? (Looking at the list above and identifying your grief symptoms can help.)
- What situations or experiences make my grief symptoms worse? (For example, do you start thinking about your loss more often after seeing baby clothing in a store?)
- When the what-ifs start circling more often, and I’m feeling grief symptoms, what can help me feel better?
- What would healing look like for me?
Talk to Someone Who Understands
While friends and family members who have experienced abortions can be a safe space for talking about what you’re going through, sometimes even the most well-meaning loved ones will say the wrong thing, leading to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This is why seeking a support group can be vital.
At Choices, we know what you’re going through and are here to help. We offer safe, nonjudgmental, welcoming support groups that give you the time and care to move forward. Our sessions are led by trained facilitators and are offered in person and over Zoom. Our staff has been in your shoes and offers ongoing support as you navigate this complex healing journey.
You’re not alone in this. You may not understand how you can still be grieving the trauma of abortion all these years later, we do, and we’re here to walk with you through this. Contact us today to learn how we’re here to support you. All services are always free and confidential.