“I think it’s one of the factors that ultimately led to our divorce. I think he always resented me for having the abortion.” —Kim
“I had the abortion before we were married. But once we were married and started having babies together later on, I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby that was lost to abortion. And I started to kind of hate my husband for not telling me not to do it.” —Jana
There are so many different reasons that lead a couple to decide that abortion is the only way forward. Sometimes, a couple may feel too young to parent. Other times, they might feel they already have too many kids to add another mouth to feed. However, no matter what factors led to the decision to get an abortion, this choice creates cracks in the relationship that can shatter a marriage if not addressed.
If you had an abortion and it’s affecting your marriage, this is understandable. But you’re not alone in this. This article will highlight some of the ways that abortion might affect a marriage and offer strategies that you and your partner can take to work toward healing together.
The Emotional Impact of Abortion on Marriage
“We didn’t really talk about the abortion. We just knew that we weren’t ready for a baby yet, so it’s just a decision we made. But now he wants to start trying for a baby, and I can’t stand the thought. How can we have a baby when we got rid of the one we already had?” —Sarah
The factors that lead to abortion are complicated, and many couples don’t talk about how abortion might affect their relationship. Instead, they focus on the immediate fear and uncertainty of not wanting a baby at the time, or maybe ever.
However, the decision to have an abortion creates feelings of grief, which often go unspoken. When grief goes unaddressed, it can turn into complicated grief and manifest in the following ways:
- Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one
- Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
- Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
- Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
- Problems accepting the death
- Numbness or detachment
- Bitterness about your loss
- Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
- Lack of trust in others
- Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one
If you and your partner are internalizing these feelings or projecting them onto one another, working through this situation together is vital. Together, you can repair the cracks in your relationship’s foundation and protect your marriage from crumbling.
How to Work Through the Emotional Impact of Abortion Together
Abortion can feel like the elephant in the room for couples. They know it’s there; it’s obvious, but they don’t want to talk about it because it’s too painful. However, talking about the abortion—and what you both are feeling—is the first step toward getting on a path of healing together.
When you talk with your partner, choose a time and place where you both can give each other your undivided attention. Then, begin a dialogue that allows you both to share your feelings.
The following talking points can help:
- How are you feeling about the abortion?
- Here’s how I’m feeling.
- How can we work through this together?
- What would healing practically look like for us?
While these questions can help you both express your feelings, it’s essential to understand that healing is a journey that is unique to each individual. Your partner likely won’t grieve the same way you do, and that’s okay. What’s most important is that you two decide to move forward toward healing together.
We’re Here for You Both
Talking to each other is a healthy first step, but sometimes, speaking with a group of people who understand the unique grief that can come with abortion can help take you further.
At Choices, we understand what you’re going through. And we’re here to help. We provide a safe, confidential space to process your feelings, receive support, and find community. No matter where you and your partner are in your after-abortion journey, we are here for you.
Contact us today. We offer all appointments and support groups for free.